Depressed

 Hi,

Been a long time since I wrote and to be honest actually I forgot that I had this blog.

I‘ve been depressed lately.

And that‘s why I pray a lot.

Maybe if I didn‘t believe in God, I already do suicide.

I really disappointed with my family.

And this is all as you know started with my brother wedding.

First, I hate that he get married before me.

Simply because, in my culture it is ashamed and embarassing if your younger brother get married before you.

But, as always nobody really care with me or my feeling.

So I just be quiet and keep it by my self.

Then after that, my brother wife been rude at me.

At first, my parents defend me and siding with me.

But after sometimes, they side with her.

I understand, they can be not side with her.

She have my brother and their daughter tho.

So it‘s hard for my parents to not see their grandchildren.

No matter how rude is she, or how many mistake she made then in the end they will just give up and forgive her.

As they dont want to lose their son or their grandchildren.

But me?

I‘m here.

I‘m alone.

I have no child so even if they side with her, they have nothing to lose for me.

They take me for granted, because I still live with them.

And they can see me everyday.

I know, maybe if I married and have child.

All of this stuff wont be happened.

My brother wife wont ever dare being rude at me.

But as I‘m not, so she act that way.

My mom know.

I even explain this to her.

But she is in denial.

She keep saying to me if I shouldn‘t think too much.

But I know, deep in her heart she actually know if my words is true.

She just trying to defend her because she don‘t want to hurt my brother feeling.

And she siding with her, because she afraid that she will lose her only grandchild.

It‘s painful to me.

Very painful.

Person that I thought understand me.

Person that I thought will always on my side.

Person that I thought will defend me.

Actually fail me.

Imagine, someone that you really trust being nice to your enemy.

How do you feel?

I‘ve been crying a lot since yesterday.

But I tried my best, so people didn‘t see it.

If I want to be honest.

I‘ve been cried a lot this 2 years, since my brother said he want to get married.

I cried when my parents excited about his wedding, without thinking about my feeling.

They not even think people talking about how a younger brother get married first than his older sister.

I cried at his engagement party.

As they all at euphoria, and left me alone.

Did I ever told, if none of them even remember I am exist at that party.

They ask everyone to come and take a picture together but me.

So I just there, sit in the corner and faking smile.

When actually I cried a whole lot once I‘m home.

As I know I‘m not even needed there.

On his wedding day.

My mom tell me, oh there‘s a pretty dress for yoy in the bridal for his wedding.

And the next day, his wife sister going to the bridal try that dress and claim it.

But in the end dont want it, because it make her look fat.

So they gave it to me, to wear.

Yes, I using the leftover.

I cried a whole lot again, but always nobody know about it.

During his wedding day.

I‘m really thankful my boyfriend come and save me.

He fly thousand miles just to acompany me in my brother wedding.

If I dont have him with me, nobody really care how I am.

So my boyfriend is my savior at that event.

I always quiet.

I never spoke about all if this.

I just keep it with my self.

But she keep pooking me and say stuff that hurt me.

She said I make a scene on her wedding.

Which not true!

And she spoke in rude way to me.

I mean, I know I‘m failed.

I‘m 33 y.o and not married yet.

You are way more succesful, but can you not being rude at me?

For now, I just will keep pretend if I am okay.

And will keep everything by my self.

I may will just write here and cry while write.

Other thing that I will do is keep praying.

As praying help me being strong and not crumble down.

I believe, one day.

They will finally understand, if all this time they take me for granted.

And they will appreciate me.

I just pray to God, to ease my heart and keep me going.

To give me strenght that nobody can see if I am actually crumbling.

Tuesday, 07 April 2020

New blog.
I private my old blog and only left my beauty blog, which I rarely wrote there too.

This blog is more of my online diary.
I used to write daily and it help me a lot to be calm.
So here I am start to write again.

Today, I didn't feel really happy.
I feel this way for a long time already but I usually just keeping it by my self or I just secretly cry by my self in my room.

I still remember vividly december 2019 when I decided that I dont want to go to the my dad side of family gathering.
And to be honest, I didn't feel like I want to attend any family gathering anymore.

This year are worse.
My brother have baby this year.
I am happy for him and I do love my niece, just like I love my other niece and nephew.

But I cant help to not feel unhappy too.
Seeing everyone so excited to welcome the baby.
First grandchild at my family.

Deep inside my heart, I feel sad.
It supposed to be my baby who become forst grandchild at my family.
A special place.
But I cant do anything about it.
And like usual, as everyone expect me to be happy and excited so I just do my part.
I try to be a good aunt.

But as usual, whenever I give advise nobody will listen.
They will said silently "you are not even have a baby, you never take care of baby. Why would you even try to give an advise?".

Exactly the same things that people always say to hurt me all the time.
They only have 2 things, 2 weapon to hurt me:
1. They will say I am old unmarried woman and that it my fault that I am not married yet.
2. They will say I dont even have baby, so I have no right to give advise about baby.

It really hurt my heart everytime people say things loke that.
But I keep my tough look and act like I am ok, and that they cant hurt me.
Even if I will just cry by my self later on.


Cant help.
I live in country were if you are woman and past 30 and you are not married, means you are not worthy.
No matter how smart are you, how good are you, as long not married then people look down at you.

All I can do now just pray.
Everytime I feel hurt, I feel sad, I pray harder.
As I believe in God and I believe that God see my pain and will ease it.


Anyway I feel way better after writing here.
Like my heart feel lighter.
I will pray and go sleep after this.
As tomorrow still need to go to work.

Bye for now.