Tuesday, 07 April 2020

New blog.
I private my old blog and only left my beauty blog, which I rarely wrote there too.

This blog is more of my online diary.
I used to write daily and it help me a lot to be calm.
So here I am start to write again.

Today, I didn't feel really happy.
I feel this way for a long time already but I usually just keeping it by my self or I just secretly cry by my self in my room.

I still remember vividly december 2019 when I decided that I dont want to go to the my dad side of family gathering.
And to be honest, I didn't feel like I want to attend any family gathering anymore.

This year are worse.
My brother have baby this year.
I am happy for him and I do love my niece, just like I love my other niece and nephew.

But I cant help to not feel unhappy too.
Seeing everyone so excited to welcome the baby.
First grandchild at my family.

Deep inside my heart, I feel sad.
It supposed to be my baby who become forst grandchild at my family.
A special place.
But I cant do anything about it.
And like usual, as everyone expect me to be happy and excited so I just do my part.
I try to be a good aunt.

But as usual, whenever I give advise nobody will listen.
They will said silently "you are not even have a baby, you never take care of baby. Why would you even try to give an advise?".

Exactly the same things that people always say to hurt me all the time.
They only have 2 things, 2 weapon to hurt me:
1. They will say I am old unmarried woman and that it my fault that I am not married yet.
2. They will say I dont even have baby, so I have no right to give advise about baby.

It really hurt my heart everytime people say things loke that.
But I keep my tough look and act like I am ok, and that they cant hurt me.
Even if I will just cry by my self later on.


Cant help.
I live in country were if you are woman and past 30 and you are not married, means you are not worthy.
No matter how smart are you, how good are you, as long not married then people look down at you.

All I can do now just pray.
Everytime I feel hurt, I feel sad, I pray harder.
As I believe in God and I believe that God see my pain and will ease it.


Anyway I feel way better after writing here.
Like my heart feel lighter.
I will pray and go sleep after this.
As tomorrow still need to go to work.

Bye for now.